Q: What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
A: A jury.

Q: What’ the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Courtroom Gaffes recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

Q: “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

Q: “Were you present when your picture was taken?”

Q: “Were you alone or by yourself?”

Q: “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

Q: “Did he kill you?”

Q: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

Q: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

Q: “How many times have you committed suicide?”

Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”

Q: “She had three children, right?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “How many were boys?”

A: “None”

Q: “Were there any girls?”

Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”

A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”

Q: “And you took your new wife?”

Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?

A: “By death.”

Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”

Q: “Can you describe the individual?”

A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”

Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”

Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”

A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”

Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”

Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”

A: “Oral.”

Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”

A: “The autopsy started around 8:39 p.m..”

Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”

A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”

Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”

A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”

Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”

A: “I have been since early childhood.”

Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

A: “No.”

Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”

A: “No.”

Q: “Did you check for breathing?”

A: “No.”

Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy.”

A: “No.”

Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”